02/10/2024 - Indifferent about judgment.

Hello readers,

Contrary to yesterday, this morning I feel ecstatic. I'm currently sitting on a stool in the café I'm used to work from and I have no idea what this article will be about. Just like when I write in my personal journal, it will unfold as I think, trying not to project on where I want to land. In the concept, writing my internal dialogue without filter, feels completely fine. But in the process, I have to remind myself of the original intention that sparked this whole project: to face my fear of being judged.

I wouldn't say I'm scared of being judged by strangers on the internet, or even the ones I meet on the streets. I'm pretty carefree in this sense. Same for my friends and inner circle. Those persons know my heart and where it stands. When it comes to the in-between, it starts to be tricky. The ones who know who I am but don't know me, I am alright with. Alike the people who don't know me but think they do. I mean... whatever. But it is the people that makes me feel I'm not worth being known, they trigger an emotional response.

I start questioning what makes them think they’re too cool for me. In this case, the purposed indifference in my regards. Which starts an internal battle where I subconsciously create a ladder between us. On one hand, I shrink, placing myself beneath them, doubting my identity, trying to please or prove my worth just to be accepted and liked. On the other hand, I reflect the energy and place myself above them. I reassure myself that I’m better than this silly power play, and it's them trying to push me down by making me feel this way.

Essentially, I either conform, feel inferior, and get stuck in a character I am not. Or I rebel to feel superior but don’t truly believe it, fueling my ego and wasting energy to keep up the charade. Either way, I end up bothered.

What has changed then? Why do I feel free to be judged by whomever now? Well, it's still a work in progress, if not, I wouldn't be writing this. But I accept that placing myself in inferiority was masking my insecurity, and superiority my envy. Which are both the same. What I feel insecure about, I envy automatically. I accept to look at them in the light of our differences. Instead of feeling bothered by their judgment. Maybe they were pointing out something I needed to feel more secure embodying, and learn to become what I was envious about.

What a great lesson of humility I offered myself. To transmute my personal enemies into teachers without expecting anything in return. Healing the relationship I have regarding them without expecting any changes in the relationship we have with each others. And from this place was birthed detachment. The very topic I've been feeling insecure and envying in the people I perceived as cool. I needed to understand it in order to not have to fake it, but to naturally embody it. And become indifferent about the situation all together.

With love, Loune.