06/01/2025 - I've loved three men in my life.

Hello readers,

I'm back in Verbier, and there is a sadness I have found here again. I didn’t necessarily want to get out of bed today. The sun is shining, everything is beautiful, but this place, once my refuge, feels different now. It carries echoes of pain, of memories I didn’t ask for but can’t ignore. I have wanted to write about it in my journal, to put it somewhere outside of myself, but the intimacy of it makes me hesitate. Which is exactly why I need to do it now.

I have experienced a heartbreak that undoubtedly shaped me for the better. But it also broke me in ways I never could have imagined. I have carried it in my heart, its weight lingering over my time here. I did not expect it, I did not want it, but it happened. I fought it, denied it, healed and unraveled over and over again. I did my best through this process.

And I am proud of where I stand now. Proud of the emotions I confronted, the pain I overcame, and the resilience I witnessed in myself. I accept the path I am on, the lessons I am meant to learn. But acceptance does not mean I will not break along the way. It only means I trust myself to rebuild again, and again.

I have loved three men in my life. The first, I met in high school when I was seventeen. He was outgoing, charismatic, and full of childlike energy. A social butterfly who drew people in effortlessly. But beneath all of that, he was kind. He was safe. We loved the way people do at that age, passionately and far too seriously. It lasted three years.

The second, I met in Australia during my farm work. I was twenty-one, and it was love at first sight. He was mysterious, more guarded, but with an aura that commanded attention. Strong and powerful, but soft and teasing with those he trusted. It was raw, intense, vulnerable, and dramatic. It lasted a year. But I loved him for a few more.

And the third took me by surprise. I thought I had lost the ability to feel as intensely as I once did, but he proved me wrong. He was unpredictable, playful, and calculated. Extreme in an addictive way. He represented everything I judged yet secretly craved. I fell, almost instantly. Hard. Alone. There is no greater lesson in humility than one-sided love.

I do not regret any of it. Each man left me with something I will carry forever. One taught me how to receive love. Another showed me the depth of my own. And the last revealed the limits I needed to set, to make sure my love was enjoyed and not endured.

But this last one, I still somehow struggle with. I wrestle with the ending, with the words I never got to say, with the feeling of injustice when someone chooses not to receive me. The wound of knowing my love existed, and yet, for them, it did not mean the same. It made me doubt my own intuition. But when I stopped expecting it to become something, I saw the truth. Sometimes, our greatest teachers are not the ones who love us, but the ones who refuse to.

And never again will I put myself through this. Never again will I let my love be met with judgment. Never again will I settle for crumbs when I deserve the whole cake. Never again will I read between the lines when the right person will hand me the whole book. They say never say never, but I found my worth in the depths of my own shame. When I say never, I mean it.

I may not choose who I fall in love with, but I will always choose what I accept. That is the in-between of control and surrender. I surrender to who, but I control how. And with distance, I see it now. Had I trusted myself, I would have walked away at the first signs of misalignment. But I mistook my feelings as proof that the pain was worth it. It never is.

Now, I have no doubt that time will do its work, that I will slowly but surely detach from this experience and let it settle as just another chapter in my story. I know that moving on takes time. That one day, I will feel nothing, except being grateful, when I'll think about it. This is simply the nature of the gift I hold. I love unconditionally, with my body, heart, and soul. And why should I ever be ashamed of that?

I will keep their names imprinted on my heart. The wounds created scars that stretched my heart. The memories of the love I felt, engraved within it. And I will love again. Maybe even will I be hurt again too. That is okay. I accept the process. I am only building the tools to love and be loved by someone who will choose me fully, freely, and without hesitation. Always.

Because I deserve nothing less.

With love, Loune.