06/10/2024 - Men in their 20s are walking enigmas.

Hello readers,

It is literally the third time that I am trying to write today. My initial thought was to write on Love because that's what is, more or less, constantly on my mind. But nothing that I write makes me feel anything. Or maybe it lacks the spontaneity. And this is usually the moment where I start to disconnect from my creative projects. I take it too seriously and the fun part slowly dissolves. I put pressure on myself to deliver something which stops the inspiration to flow freely.

But let's go back to the fun part, to writing in my journal openly and without the expectation that some people are gonna read it. What would I write if no one would read this article? What wants to come out of my unconscious self today? Well, I would write that I spent the entire afternoon and night in my bed, feeding myself with a homemade chocolate cake and TikTok videos. That I feel empty inside and that's why I'm seeking to get full in other ways. Food and phone being an easy but short-lived dopamine release.

I would also add that the cause is maybe that I've hooked up with a guy recently and it made me feel like shit. Not him necessarily, he was fine. It's more the fact that I went there knowing it wasn't a 100% yes, and came out with... Absolutely, the fuck, nothing. You see, I deeply crave a meaningful, emotional and raw connection with a man. But I have a hard time connecting with any of them. Finding the decoration of their minds bland and lacking taste. The depth of their hearts shallow and ego-centered. Not even talking about their mostly non-existent self-awareness.

And I don't want to make a generality, because I know men who are exceptional, I've been raised by one and got lucky to meet plenty along the years. But I find them scarce in my surrounding. Men who inspire me, who create a world of their own, who dare to be different and invest time plus effort to discover the layers of their identities. Or at least just as much as they compete in "who's got the biggest", or "how much can I disconnect from myself to become the most nonchalant" lame-ass competitions.

Since when being authentic, open, kind and vulnerable has become cringe? Has it ever been cool? If not, can we make it? Because I just desire to have meaningful and enriching conversations that are not centered on what they did or will do, their accomplishments, or surface level banter. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I just want to hang out with guys, laugh and have a good time. But recently I feel dry. The rarity of men that I connect with and who nurture me in any sort of way, is astonishing.

So yes, I love men. I LOVE MEN! And there will be articles on how I also admire and value them. It's never black or white. But fuck, I'm kind of fed up at the moment. To be an emotional, aware being in this hook-up culture, is an everyday challenge. Because the casual connections are one thing, but the intimate/sexual ones... Oh god, I could write a book on it, (and maybe I will). It is a common thing to say that women are complicated. But let me tell you something, men in their twenties are walking enigmas.

To give you an example, in my mind it's pretty simple. I feel stuff, I communicate what those stuff are, I listen to the stuff you feel, if the stuff meet in some ways, we take actions based on the common stuff. A+B=C type of shit. But with men it looks more like: I feel stuff, I communicate on those stuff, they get scared of my stuff, I have to guess the stuff they feel, I get self-conscious over my stuff, they act contrary to the stuff they communicate, we get stuck in a never-evolving situation about the stuff they couldn't communicate clearly. Or feel. Like who the fuck knows?! A+B-S+T/K+J=?????????????? Wow. That's all I have to say on this.

And all this little tantrum brings us to the conclusion that I simply am not interested in connection without any depth or clear intentions anymore. Even the sex is meh. Where is the passion, the intensity, the curiosity, the rawness, the loosing ourselves even just for a night in each other embraces? It's minimalist and controlled and neurotic and... disappointing. And even if I have some urges and I want to be desired, I'd rather be celibate than indulge in a physical level connection again.

With love, Loune.