08/09/2025 - The way is still uncertain.

I slept okay last night. A bit cold at times, but I made it through. I woke up around 3 a.m. and struggled to fall back asleep with the lack of comfort and familiarity, but eventually I did, and then slept until 6 when we were all woken by Gregorian chants. Soft, beautiful. Maybe not everyone’s cup of tea, but I didn’t mind the immersion. I even had the feeling I’d already experienced this kind of life before, the convent rhythm, the religious community, the kindness and softness paired with the lack of comfort. I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I was a nun in a past life lol.

I meditated while everyone else was getting ready, then prepared myself and headed to breakfast, which was in the same restaurant as last night’s dinner. The bread was light as a feather but hard as a rock, the butter individually packaged, no protein again whatsoever, and overall the food didn’t really appeal to me. Still, I forced myself to eat something for energy. I sat at the same table as Christian, the German guy from yesterday, and we clicked again instantly. He offered to walk with him, and with the man he had met the day before, an Argentinian named Andres.

Which we met right after, and I liked his energy straight away. A big bright smile starting from his eyes, a warm accent, and an openness that came straight from the heart. We introduced ourselves and set out together. The air was dense and foggy, a light rain falling, not annoying, more mysterious. The kind of weather that makes you feel the weight of the journey ahead. Like the beginning of a book where the destination is set but the way is still uncertain.

We had 21 km ahead of us. Knowing that the hardest part from Saint-Jean was behind, I felt almost giddy about it. Well, at least for the first three hours. Then the discomfort began, shoes rubbing, small blisters forming, the backpack pressing on my hips and shoulders, the longing to just relax. What helped was the richness of our conversations. We touched on so many subjects I couldn’t recall them all if I tried: death, philosophy, Carl Jung, stoicism, animals, the duality of life, feminine and masculine energies, and so much more. They surprised me with their knowledge and depth even though I knew that I'd meet interesting people here. The kind of men it feels good to be around.

We kept a great rhythm, powering up hills and even having fun running on the descents. Sometimes we let ourselves go completely, overtaking other pilgrims, laughing as gravity pulled us down. Those were my favorite moments. Around 12:30, we finally arrived in town. The last thirty minutes were the hardest, I caught myself wanting to just be done, to rush ahead, and not focus on my steps. I constantly had to remind myself to stay present. But I did, and the reward was sweet when we finally arrived at Zubiri.

It’s a small village with an old bridge at the entrance, a few albergues (pilgrim's hostels), two restaurants (more like cafeterias), and locals who watch the pilgrims with skeptical eyes. I wonder what it would be like to live in these kind of place sometimes. We went straight for lunch, and let me tell you, dropping the backpack and taking the shoes off after a long walk feels like an orgasm in itself. Pure catharsis. A bit like taking off my ski boots after a long day.

On the menu… tortilla again (this time with spinach), and a small sandwich with roasted vegetables and olive oil. Not my best meal, but not the worst either. But I already crave something fresh, a nice salad, or at least some solid protein. I feel carb-loaded right now. But tomorrow we’re heading to Pamplona, a real city, so I wish for better options.

I’m trying not to stress about food, about how many carbs I’m eating. I remind myself how many calories I’m burning, that I need to fuel my body. But having finally reached my optimal weight again, there’s this voice in me that wants to maintain it, not stuff myself. On top of that, I haven’t been to the bathroom for two days, today is the third, and it’s already late, so I doubt it’ll happen tonight. I hate this feeling. My bowel movements are always tied to safety and comfort, so I guess my body needs more time to adapt. I can’t blame it, it’s trying to keep up with all my shifting rhythms of the past couple months. Tonight I’ll try to give myself rest and comfort, and hope it resolves soon. I really don’t want to carry around this big bloat full of poop on top of everything else. (lol)

Back at the albergue, both guys insisted I take the bottom bunk, which I was grateful for, and they let me shower first too. Princess treatment. And oh, the bliss of warm water on tired skin, the sting of blisters in the steam. Simple things that soothe so deeply. I did my laundry in the sink made to this effect, and had to hang my clothes on a rack directly on the paved street. I changed into pajamas, stretched, massaged my feet, pierced the two blisters so they could breathe and heal, and collapsed into a nap. I slept for a whole hour, which never happens midday.

When I woke, the room was alive with a group of loud but endearing Brazilian women. I kept my earplugs in for a while, savoring the silence inside. Then I pulled out my laptop to catch up on work for Robert, replying to emails, bringing some order back. Honestly, this had been triggering me the past few days. I worried about not being able to keep up, that Robert would fire me, and then I’d lose my income. That recurring fear again.

I’m still so stuck in my mind about it. Part of me wishes I’d left my laptop behind, only brought a paper journal like in the old days. But would I really write more by hand? Probably not. The laptop lets me flow faster. Still, isn’t the Camino about slowing down? I feel conflicted, as usual. The reality is: I’m still working for Robert, I still have my laptop with me, and until anything changes, I should just focus on doing my part. That’s what’s in my control. End of the story.

After a few hours of work, I felt at peace with it. The guys wanted to head to dinner. Christian was struggling badly with his feet, huge blisters, one bleeding. I don’t even know how he pushed through, and let it get to this point. That's insane. But it matches his character, someone who struggles to release, to let go of control, to truly embody himself. That's what he shared. But apparently who can dissociate from his body to achieve what he wants, who has a hard time surrendering if it means slowing down the people beside him. That’s why he never said a word when he first felt his feet giving out. And now, he’s paying the price. This, I gathered from observations.

We shared these reflections over dessert, all of us eating almond Magnums with delight. Andres said he came here to step away from his orchestrated life, to face the parts of himself still unknown. Christian said he wants to learn to let go, to rediscover the pleasure of simplicity. And I shared that I came here to learn about the depth of commitment, and what is means to live it. To do something day after day, physically demanding, even through hardship, with repetition and routine, and complete it. To prove to myself that I can see something through, and know forever that I can make happen whatever I set my mind to.

That led us into talking about relationships, commitment, even sexuality, which was funny and surprisingly comfortable. I felt really at ease with both of them. Earlier, Christian had told me about his girlfriend back home, how he knew instantly when he met her that he wanted to pursue it. He said it was her heart, the way she carried herself, that charmed him at first glance. He’s a Cancer, what a lovely sign when embodied well by a man. I often confuse male openness toward me as attraction because I tend to imagine that man have expectations (which proved right more than I'd love to admit). But with him, I think he was simply connecting from a genuine place.

We wrapped up dinner, walked back to the hostel, and now here I am, in my bed writing this. Lights out in half an hour. Maybe I’ll scroll, maybe I'll find a new book. It was a good day in retrospect. And I love sharing it here on the pages. What a beautiful life, I'm so grateful I get to experience such diverse days.

With love, Loune.