09/01/2025 - Something almost erotic.

Hello readers,

How am I feeling? I have no idea right now. That’s usually why I take the time to write (or tap on my laptop). It’s almost annoying at first to dive in and try to decipher what the freak is happening in there. But I know that afterward, I always feel a lot better. And that’s what matters. I’m still on track with my challenge, day six, and I’m progressing every day.

It’s already confronting me with some of my own limitations. For example, I have a hard time enjoying the process of discipline or commitment. I love change and newness, which means I felt extremely enthusiastic about the idea of the challenge. The first three days were great, incorporating something different into my daily life.

But on day four, the repetition of taking those videos and posting them started to already annoy me. And because I didn’t see results instantly, I even got frustrated. I’ve always been pretty good at what I try. And if I wasn’t instantly, I wouldn’t choose pursue it. Which means I can do everything, but am I actively becoming the best at anything?

Yes, astrology or studying my own psyche lol. But in terms of creative endeavors, I believe I’ve always restrained myself because I started doubting my own competences after only a couple, or more, of attempts. The same goes for physical pursuits. Being good at most things is fun and cool, but it’s almost like a comfort zone where I don’t push myself to become great. And greatness can only be achieved through consistent efforts.

It’s when I start to see the cracks, my own limitations, that I lose motivation, and tend to abandon things. Don’t get me wrong, there are some pursuits better left behind because they’re not aligned with who I am. But then there are others where I face hardships and choose to quit because the journey seems too long. Where do I find meaning in deciding what’s worth pursuing and what’s better left out of my life?

Looking at my past, I’d say that when it comes to places, hobbies, or possessions, I tend to abandon, give away, or quit a lot easier than I do with people. I’m attached to potentials. If I perceive potential in someone, I get attached to it. But I just realized it’s the potential of becoming someone with this person, not the person's potential in itself that I am attached to. There's a part of me that believes I require this person in my life to achieve the potential in question. But if I dissociate them, the person is merely a vessel for me to witness what I crave to embody more. Interesting.

Always so freaking philosophical and deep. Yes, I know, wtf. I wish I could just drop it sometimes, and I do. I can enjoy surface-level topics... for a moment, lol. It’s just natural for me; it doesn’t require effort to make sense of my own mind. And my diary is the place I love to open it fully and figure out what’s there. It’s like a gigantic puzzle, an open world of wonders, even a mischievous prison sometimes, too.

Quick interlude: there’s this girl sitting on the couch in front of me, talking with what I believe is her mum. We glance at each other often, and I have to admit, I haven’t been drawn to a woman like this in quite some time. I’m intrigued. Angular facial structure, ashy brown hair cut in a messy bob, a large smile in the Julia Roberts way; her femininity shines through the layers of her masculine-looking style. She’s effortlessly beautiful in an androgynous way. Messy in a polite one. Perfect in a different one.

She stood up, and a few people looked after her as she walked out. There was an essence to her steps, something almost erotic. She wasn’t seeking it; she exuded it. I might have fallen just a bit in love right here. In love with the memory she just imprinted me with, and the fact that I can feel this way in general. I can’t imagine how I’ll write about the person I will utterly, completely, fondly, and madly fall in love with. It’s going to be... well we'll see. My very own muse.

I might end up with a woman, who knows. I look around the room, and every woman I come across, I find so much beauty about. Omg, seriously. Why are women so incredibly magnetizing? Maybe it’s not women but more about feminine energy. That’s why the men I tend to be attracted to, consciously or not, usually store a lot of feminine energy. Doesn't mean they actively use it, a shame.

And on this note, I don’t even remember what I was talking about before my mind decided to dive down my belly. I’m going to go back to work and enjoy the rest of my day. Wishing you a good day, and may you find yourself enchanted by a stranger, even if just for a moment too!

With love, Loune.