10/12/2024 - A challenge not to be radical.

Hello readers,

I'm overflowed with way too many thoughts caused by a massive amount of drama happening in my life. I've lived peacefully for the last 3 months or so, but in the last week, it's been a real shit show. I could put the blame on the start of the winter season, coincidences or Mercury Retrograde. Honestly, it’s probably all of the above, mixed into a cocktail of nonsense.

I'm tired, emotionally exhausted. Living in a small village has its perks for sure but sometimes I just want to activate full hermit mode and go rogue again. Far from proximity, intimacy and involvement to any sort of relationships. I love people, but fuck me, at times I wish I was a wild animal. No care for morals, survival of the fittest, and survival instinct. Basic primal life.

But I am a human being, having my matrix experience in what is called reality, ruled by constructed norms in which I must (more or less) abide by. And existing around/with people is an inherent part of it all. My connection to them is what brings the most joy in my life. Yet, it is also what causes the most stress.

Sometimes, relationships (of any sort) can feel overwhelming. If I don’t maintain a balance, they can either drift apart or take over my life, leaving me drained. I’m still learning how to give them the right amount of attention; not too much, not too little. And honestly, there are moments when I just want to walk away from it all and avoid the effort altogether.

It's been a challenge not to be radical and embrace their nuances. To continue investing time and energy into them even when some of them start to create misalignment in my daily life, hence the drama. It's tempting to walk away and seek new connections. A habit I developed during childhood. Moving to new places and schools every year, always starting fresh.

I see them as plants. When two people come together and share an affinity, they create roots, strong foundations for growth. From there, a stem rises, and over time, it grows, expands, and flourishes. But for it to truly bloom, there are moments when a branch must be cut. Perhaps it grew in an odd direction, or maybe it was drawing too much water from the rest of the plant. Cutting it isn’t a failure; it’s care. Just because one branch was ill doesn’t mean the whole plant should be uprooted.

No relationship can ever hold onto a perfectly clean slate; every bond carries its marks, its imperfections. And if the roots are strong and the plant watered regularly: addressing a situation, expressing a truth, or pointing something unpleasant, is only going to keep it healthy.

Right now, I’m in full gardener mode, pruning away dead branches and clearing out the toxic, invasive weeds that have crept in. Because not all the ones I've decided to plant at one time, are worth keeping alive too. I realized that some of them, as vibrant in colors and fragrances as they are, are also extremely poisonous.

With love, Loune.