16/12/2024 - Physical attraction feels like a spell.

Hello readers,

And freak… here we are. I messed up. How can I feel one way last night and completely different today? How can my desires and emotions shift so much in just a few hours? Last night, I felt good. I was happy with my progress in the connection with said guy, and I could feel myself finding balance in the in-between.

When I say in-between, I mean that space where I don’t necessarily see a future with someone but still deeply enjoy their company. Is it normal to think of that as a waste of time? It feels harsh to say, and I could probably find a more polite way to put it, but in the end, that’s the truth.

Also, I slept badly. He was moving around, waking me up just enough times to make me want to retreat to my solitary lifestyle. I became a creature of my own comfort after seven years spent being single. And these hours awake in bed, under the full moon, made me think a lot I guess.

So, am I destined to only have short-lived stories where, after a few days or weeks, I crave being alone again? I wish I could just control my feelings. I wish I could flip a switch to like someone enough to stick with it, at least for a few months. And just to be clear, the bad sleep isn’t the real issue here.

I’ve noticed this pattern in myself. When I like someone but don’t feel deeply in love, I start questioning everything. How much of myself should I compromise for connection? Is it even possible to fall in love over time, or am I too attached to that intense, undeniable pull I’ve felt in the past? The undeniable pull being primarily built around an instant attraction.

Physical attraction feels like a spell. It charms me, smooths over little irritations, and keeps me engaged. But when that spell fades, I’m left craving the deeper connection. How much beauty is enough to make up for other traits? And do I even believe in making those kinds of concessions, when what I really want is a love that doesn’t feel like compromise at all?

Don't get me wrong, I'm physically attracted to said guy, I wouldn't even have considered being intimate with him if it wasn't the case in the first place. But he's not my usual type. If you ask my friends or family, I've always been drawn to angelic beauty. Slender figure with large bone structure and soft features.

And I know it usually is considered a "masculine" trait to care so much on external appearance, with people saying women are less focused on looks. But I am 100%. I always loved beautiful men. And not just beautiful, but the most beautiful ones. Does it come from my dad, the reflection in my mirror, or the fact that I attract them? Who knows?

So, the bigger question is, how deep does a psychic, mental, and emotional connection need to be to outweigh physical attraction? I still don’t have the answer. Part of me holds onto this belief that I’ll meet someone I’m incredibly drawn to physically and in every other way. But I also wonder if that belief is freeing or if it’s keeping me from opening up to connections in the present.

At the end of the day, I need to trust my gut. Every time I’ve fallen in love, I’ve felt it from the very beginning. It’s been a pull so deep that resisting wasn’t even an option. And I doubt that kind of pull can grow over time. As much as I wish it could, I’m too in tune with what I feel to convince my mind of something my heart doesn’t believe.

But on the other side, I like him, and I want to spend time with him. This duality is an inner fight within myself again. But I'm proud because I would have retrieved before, at the slightest ounce of doubt. Now, I linger in this contradiction. I also understand that attraction and connection is not a perfect constant. It changes everyday. And so am I. I guess we'll see tomorrow then.

With love, Loune.