26/11/2024 - I thought chaos gave life purpose.

Hello readers,

I am currently in the train to Geneva Airport and direction Ibiza for a few days. I've been invited by Robert, a great friend of mine and my former employer. Also been recovering from a big hangover that literally drained my soul from all sort of life. Serotonin level -10. But I'm slowly feeling better except that I just drank a coffee and my nervous system is wracked again. Anyway, I need to talk about what's been happening recently.

Well, apart from this week-end I've been feeling really good. Peacefully good. As I said in my last post, I think that I released a lot of emotional baggage in Peru. And there's always doubts regarding if it's the ecstatic mindset of the post vacation hitting, or the conclusion of a real lesson that has been learned. Dare I say, I'm feeling different, for real. My mindset has changed and I cannot fathom going back to the place I left as.

I realize that I'm a rational person. And when I say this it means that I tend to comprehend life, to see it from a higher perspective and to make sense out of it. Which can feel pretty boring sometimes. Emotions tend to be neutral; I allow them to exist, understand that there is value to their existence, therefore feel them in the gut, dial it all back in the mind to extract the essence of what they mean, and then release them because... well I trust that I am exactly where I need to be at all time.

And when I put it black on white, I can't help but feel a lack of enthusiasm. To desire more out of life. To be swept off my feet and thrown in the big black hole of existence. To be carried away by the flow of passion. Ejected into the gigantic scheme of what it means to be a small human being. Where poetry is birthed and fantasy resides. Where melancholy emerges and nostalgia is found by its side. I've been living in this reality for years. Loving the tumultuous ebb and flow of life.

But at what costs? By unveiling some stories that were playing in the background of my unconscious mind, I became aware of the patterns I no longer wanted to indulge in. One of them was becoming obsessed with unavailable people, losing control of my emotions and feelings. Hooked on the unpredictability, the surprise, the unexpected that could turn my life upside down from one day to another.

By giving away the power over my emotions to someone else, life became fun. And bare with me. Yes, I even found joy in the pain of it. Because I believe we all own a sadistic aspect. And maybe also I unconsciously believed that pain felt better than neutrality. Wtf right? I highly encourage you to read the book "existential kink", freaking great one. It talks about this.

I think I've been deeply afraid of neutrality since being a child. I've always found there wasn't enough to life itself. Bored by the routine of day and night, the same skin to evolve within, social conditioning, and what it entitles to be a human being. I found my way to escapism. My own side quests to life, where I could put all the power of my mind to solve an impossible task and feel the thrill running through my veins. I only needed to find the right substance.

And what better substance than Love? Fed upon birth by Disney cartoons, stories of the Prince Charming, 2000's rom-coms, girls magazines and the women in my surroundings. I believed for so long that I needed to be in love to feel, which would create meaning to my existence. I craved it while purposefully choosing someone who was unable to reciprocate it. Because it wasn't about the person in question but the projection of all the emotions I desired to feel through it. The biggest one being adrenaline.

When I met someone who rejected me, I finally found a target. I could use many different weapons, strategies, tactics to attack or defend myself. I used the entirety of my mind to play a life-size game. The unpredictable turns of event, what an addiction... Fed by my immense emotions, and romantic desire, it was the perfect recipe. I thought chaos gave life purpose. But love isn't supposed to be a battlefield, I see it now.

To conclude, I’ve realized that living in neutrality isn’t boring, it’s peaceful. I no longer feel the need to chase thrills or live in fight-or-flight mode. Now, I experience emotions by being present in each moments. I’ve raised the white flag; the war within myself is over. I’ve retired from the chaos, and it feels liberating. Love will always hold a special place in my heart, but it’s no longer a quest. It will find me when the time comes.

With love, Loune.