15/12/2024 - What would happen if I lost interest?

Hello readers,

I am currently on the couch sitting with said guy from my last post, and we're both busy on our laptops while randomly interacting with each others. I have to say, I've missed this facet of intimacy with a man. Doing what I would be doing alone but having someone to share ideas and a comforting company (bonus for the french kisses).

It makes me reflect on what I was writing in the last months and my desires for this type of connection. Working on my self-worth through the rejections made me show up more authentically in every relationships. And this one especially. I am myself, in all angles, thoughts, feelings and interactions. What a great sensation to be appreciated for who I am, completely.

I am intricate, full of paradoxes and being able to express them openly with a mind that understand the complexity of duality is liberating. To navigate the growing attachment with the fears and insecurities that rise up to the surface, is a day to day exploration. And I realize that in order for me to keep on being present and not feel trapped into commitment, I need to communicate.

Communicate on what's hard to express, especially in regards of each others expectations. Where is this going? Where are the boundaries? Where is the limit of my own freedom in this connection? Is it ok if I am unsure of my desire to fully commit? What would happen if I lost interest? Many questions and reflections I can't help but have when I engage with someone.

Because I can be perceived as unpredictable, even to myself. My emotions, and therefore feelings, fluctuate on a daily basis which means that I get surprised by my own reactions sometimes. I’ve watched myself panic at the thought of the restrictions I associate with commitment in a relationship, leading me to run away. I’d keep relationships short and sweet or gravitate toward people who wouldn’t even consider commitment an option.

But I found the trick, if I openly communicate about all those concerns, it releases the pressure. It also means being with someone that has the depth to receive those reflections, to not take them personally, but as an act of vulnerability. And this my friend, is exquisite to me. A delicious type of meal. Makes me want to take another bite instead of spitting it out. Good sign.

It doesn’t mean this connection will necessarily lead to commitment; it means I feel free and safe to navigate its changes, and my own, within it. Didn’t Descartes say, 'I think, therefore I am'? Well, if I can think and share those thoughts openly, I feel truly alive, whether I’m alone or with someone. And that realization makes the idea of commitment way less stressful.

I am not someone who can conceive being in a partnership where I have to wear a mask or keep some parts of myself hidden. I can do it with people in general but my aspiration for a committed one, is bonded. I want to be able to share EVERYTHING, be received, accepted and loved for it. Maybe not loved for all that I share lol, but loved for having the bravery to show up this way. So let's go baby!

With love, Loune.