16/10/2024 - Building a character in one of my games.

Hello readers,

It's been a week contemplating writing again. I tried everyday but got distracted or interrupted or simply hated what I wrote about. I still want to push myself and try again. It happens when I like what I created recently and I put pressure on myself to reach the same level of satisfaction I get, for each piece. Anyway, yesterday night I posted a roll of funny pictures on my feed for the people I have on close friends. And this morning I woke up thinking about it.

First, I have to let you know that it is exactly 5:49, the night is still completely dark and I'm listening to classical music with a candlelight. Lol. Secondly, why does it even matter that much what I post, for me to wake up and still think of it? If it matters as much, should I even bother posting? And why should I care about my presence through technology, it's not real. Bla-bla-bla... But, honestly, it’s a great tool to observe how I want to present myself in the moment.

Over the years, I’ve wanted to show myself more fully, wholly, and embodied. Social media, controversial as it is, has been a way to do that. I've posted to shock, to advocate, to please, to get validation, to show off, to make people laugh, to connect, to update my character. There’s always some kind of intent behind it. And I guess it’s that control over how I want to be perceived that can be so triggering. So, we're gonna go back to the root of it.

I grew up with a dad who worked 12 hours a day on a computer, programming. I’d play Adibou on it at six years old, back in 2002. By the time I was nine, I had my own computer and would spend HOURS playing The Sims, World of Warcraft, or whatever RPGs, Role-playing games, were available back then. I was obsessed with this world of possibilities where I could disconnect from reality. (That sums up pretty much my Pisces moon).

As a kid, I spent most of my time alone. I found it hard to connect with other kids. Too blunt, too curious, too smart, too annoying—just too much. Around 12, I started to understand how people reacted to me and realized I had control over how I presented myself. It was like building a character in one of my games. I remember vividly being at school, and looking around at the people I was hanging out with; first of the class, mostly shy, proper girls. They were the representation of one of my facet, but now I needed to explore more of myself.

I decided at this moment, to make my way towards the people I knew could help me build some of the social gaps I had. Those popular, funny, cool girls that the guys fancied and others would judge but admire. I observed them, learned to mirror their ways. And through times, got to fit in with them. They taught me how to be confident, to charm, to get my way through life, to be fun and careless.

From this moment, I understood one of my key ability, I was a social chameleon and I could build my personality through the people I surrounded myself with. No need to play that much online to have fun, life was full of possibilities for me to customize my avatar. Around 13, I created my Skyblog, a prize possession of mine. My first presence online, reflection of my persona and its evolution. I finally had a tangible medium to show and see "who I was".

Instead of judging social media, I now treat it like a game. The issue isn’t social media itself, but the control I try to exert over how I’m perceived. Online, I’m reduced to 2D: a picture, a video, a post. I’ll never be experienced the way I am in real life, with all the layers of my personality. But in 2D, I can step back and read myself. That’s why I want to have fun with it, to allow myself to share more intimate parts of who I am—authentically.

And when I think about the child I once was, who didn’t know how to control how she was perceived, I realize she wasn’t any less real than I am now. She was raw—unpolished—before she learned to tweak herself for acceptance. The version of myself I was before I learned how to shape it through mirroring the aspects I desire in others was just as cool as the one I became through the layers I added to my identity. And as I’ve gotten older, I’m circling back to that version of me. Not because I want to go back, but because I want to reconnect with those parts I tried to hide. The parts that make me unique. The parts worth sharing, too.

With love, Louna.